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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Costco and Fashion Wrap idea

The bad thing about getting older is just about everything.  On Saturday we did a Costco run.  I could go into a rant about how crowded it was because Snooki was doing a book signing...  but I won't.  Ok, maybe a little one.  Can you explain to me why you would wait in line to have her sign a book?  Bad enough she is published before me, but now I have to see adolescent girls lined up aisle after aisle for her??  Exactly what has she done to garner such attention.  She was born in Chile, grew up in NY, turned orange, drank excessively, whored around, and set fashion and my beloved New Jersey back.

Ok, maybe I know too much about her to protest.  Or maybe it is rabid jealousy that she is a brand, a household name.  I am merely in a household, and that is shaky at best.  But more to my point, aging is the worst.  So, we had our $350 Costco coupon accumulated over a year of needless Amex purchases.  If you enter Costco with "found" money, you are spending all of it.  Did we need a 5 pound bag of Pretzel M&M's?  How bout a bag of dried Apricots the size of our wall cabinets?  Doubtful.  Talk to me next year at this time and ask if I have made a dent in that bag.  Most of all, we did not need the giant inflatable ball you can ride inside and be pushed around the neighborhood  Of course when I get home we must ignore the trunk full of stuff that needs to be put away.  No, I will need get this thing working and fast.

The vinyl/plastic ball had probably been in the box for years.  It was in a box similar in size to and Ellio's pizza.  But once inflated it grew to about 2 stories.  To separate it from its own membrane was a struggle itself.  It was essential though.  And one by one, piece by piece, I had it layed out on our living room floor. It is then I notice the instructions, and one small, flimsy hand pump.  This was not what I wanted for my Saturday afternoon.

Minute by minute turned into near an hour.  Each component had its own valve...  upper and lower.  There were decorative stars in the middle that also included its own valve.  I thought the force required to get the thing flat was too much.  Now I had to force air into these year long, vinyl glued creases to raise the dead.  After a while I knew I need not go the gym today so I made it a workout.  I had to position one hand on the valve while the other pushed the tiny, frail plastic handle.  10 for the left hand.  10 for the right.  Arms above the neck.  Arms below the neck.  Slowly the ball took form.  All the while Syracuse and Georgetown played on without my eyes seeing them.  Toward the middle of the process I noticed if I blew this thing up in the house it would never fit through a door to get out.  I moved the labor outside and shed my shirt from exhaustion.  10 with the left.  10 with the right.  Once, young N peered out the back door and gave encouragement "Looks good dad."  There was comfort in knowing that might be the last thing she says to me.

And, as nightime approached there was closure.  A fully formed piece of s&*$ was created.  Go now, and roll in our snowy, mud filled yard.  For the game is over, I am sore and tired, and you have once again prevailed.

And now, I sit at this computer nursing aches and pains from 3 days ago.  The basketball last night did not help either.  A, because I played for shit.  And B, it was full court 4 on 4 with the casting couch of a Cialis ad.  Things I could have done freely and without lingering pain a mere 10 years ago now cripple me.  At least, in some regards, my brain is still functioning.  But when that begins to fail, as some might argue it has.  Kindly put me in the garage, start the car, and put my ipod on my head.

Fashion Wrap Hetero Edition:

I think Joan Rivers should put a straight man on one of her Fashion Police Shows.   There can be a very easy, efficient way to judge how each of the women look, realistically.  I am fairly certain the man would not care who designed the dress.  There would be little room for jewelry/accessories talk.  Judging could go something like this.

Disaster:  Man retreats to couch and falls asleep no where near you (bad comedy he has seen thousands of times before is on tv)
Average:  Meal would be prelude for sexual encounter.  Maybe some alcohol (ok more than some)
Good:  Man would keep dress on woman for 15-30 minutes.  It illicits heavy petting.
Excellent:  Dress raised but all clothing technically remains on during coitus

I think I am on to something.  Consider this my resume.


  1. Re Snooki -- did you get close enough to see if she was actually signing? Maybe they had a rubber stamp made up for her.

  2. Left before she made her entrance... but that sounds about right.

  3. I love snookie!! Its watching a road runner cartoon! You have to free up a saturday morning to play with tarp. 4 on 4 full court, its a small court. Going to the SH- St Johns game with murph on thursday night, in Newark, any urge to go? PCHS88

  4. Can't agree more, has to be a straight guy on that show. The few times I've seen the critiques, it's women and gay dudes saying a women who looks retarded hot is the worst dressed.

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