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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Tuesday from hell...

So it always seems the therapy nights present a host issues.  Last night, as T got home from work, full detective mode was in effect.  It usually is before we see the good Dr.  Full transparency was required as sessions begun a few weeks ago.

"Are you still talking to her?"  "Do you miss her?"  "What is your password for gmail?"

Check them all off and move on.  But, what of the hotmail account?  No, that was not known.   Until last night.  And, obviously, the results are not great.  There has been contact.  And I knew of all the implications.  I lied again by saying the clean break was made.  Just not that simple.

Here I was trying to go the "safe" way and not hurt anyone, but all I have done is hurt more and more people.  Facebook friends unfriended.  Text conversations between wife and gf followed througout the night.  Name calling and c words and I am sure anger and rage.

And for what?  I think all along that my logic and mind are clear and able to make decisions.  Um, clearly not true.  Every thought and instinct I am acting on is so deep rooted in fear and lacking any judgement.

Yet I move on, repeating the same mistakes that have brought me here.  Brilliant.  And I had the added benefit of playing tears and rage in the presence of a sick, impressionable and beautiful 8 yr old girl.

I am at bat  0-3 with three strikeouts.  I'm in the box in the 9th with two strikes.  I keep weakly fouling off pitches, barely staying alive.

So the mindset is stop hurting others.  You are a good person who has made mistakes.  Life is too short so find out what to be, then go be it.  But, I have failed to do any of those things.  I continue to hurt others.  I am a BAD person who has made unforgivable mistakes.

But what I wouldn't do for a night out.  Let off steam with some friends and drink til I cannot see.  Go be it!!!

It will happen.  I can feel an energy.  I was told this might be my "lesson."  I am taking it to heart.  Everyone, everyday has the potential to be great.  And sometimes it takes immense personal doubt and pain to spark something.

There is a reason beyond wanting a home that she strayed.  There is a reason other than she fucked me so I fucked her for my indiscretions.  There are moments that bring us to today.  I refuse to quantify and qualify.  I am in no position to judge.

What I know is my daughter and wife deserve better.  But at this time, more importantly, I deserve better.

No more lying.  No more hiding.  Apologies to any and all I have hurt.  The shit stops here.  I am accountable.  This is where it gets good.

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