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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Less of a dad blues

In the midst of unrest there was talk of a vasectomy.  The pill had long been abandoned and I was never a fan of rubbers.  As N got older and more adolescent I could see the finish line.  There had been a time where I thought of myself as an independent entity.

I could go out whenever I wanted.  Never really had any need for money.  Maybe I just wanted to drove around, take pictures, get high and listen to music.  Stop for a beer was always an option.  See some friends and maybe watch a movie.

T had her life too...  we could meet up should we desire.

Now, 8 years into parenthood it was not that easy at all.  First, several years went by without seeing the inside of a movie theatre.   Concerts?  They were the thing young kids went to.

Lots of Baby Einstein tapes and maybe I could sneak Stern in while she napped, or was at day care.

Everything that was happening in my life was centered around parenthood.  Youth sports clinics, fund raisers, bake sales, play groups, school searches...

My identity was losing.  Not that any of it was bad.  I remember a spring afternoon when N was a little less than a year old.  I took her to Liberty State Park and watched her walk around, snapping photos of Lady Liberty behind her and the NYC skyline.  All I could see was her big blue eyes and total abandon.  Fearless and without care she looked like she could take on the World.

Each one of these moments I cherised more than the next.  She spoke in the tiniest voice.  Sweet and angelic.  She laughed and the room would light up.

Now, she was getting away from me.  Angry and too confident, she had flashes of dangerous adolescence.   Soon, instead of cuddling up to Americas Funniest Home Videos, she wanted a computer in her room, a facebook account, a swiss bank account.

Not ready for all that.  Not sure I ever will be.

And pretty confident I will only have to mess up one of them.  Cause as I saw the light at the end of the tunnel I got greedy.  Certainly, got selfish.

"Can you see how the wind in your air now feels differently?"

It was not fair that since forever I never had to worry about birth control.  And, when talk rose up about getting off the pill, I said sure.

If it was meant to me, I would welcome a child with open arms.  Not to mention, it beat the alternative of a dog.  Weird that I would prefer a dog over a human?

More on that later I guess.

It had been a few months and there was no sign of pregnancy.  And I was growing more and more scared.  What if we were to have a child?  Could we stay in this house?  Will we be able to afford it?  Can we do better than we have?  Will it help N?  All good questions...  but as it tends to happen in my blood...  abject fear overwhelms optimism and hope...

And it was more than fair to suggest should it indeed be over, I should have the procedure.  And so, on Friday, I did.

Now, days later as I look back and wonder...  was this the right decision?  Seems like I have been asking that question far too often lately...

At least there is physical pain.  Goes with the emotional pain I have been living with for years...

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