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Monday, May 23, 2011

Still working on Anger Management

Besides having a child who is clearly getting back at me for all of my know-it-all ness, just dealing with Monday and New York City can be an enormous pain in the...

There has been a battle of wills over the past few weeks on how to deal with an 8 year old and her stubborn persistence that she knows everything.  This is a girl who told us, quite self assuredly and without a hint of sarcasm, that she invented sand.  Think that was during a vacation when she was about 4.  I keep getting told to ignore it, she is just a kid.  But what is it that won't let me leave it alone??  Yesterday we bought some Bottlecaps, the relic candy that tastes like soda.  She insisted they were meant to disolve in drinks, thus making the drink taste like soda.  She even went so far as to translate the Spanish on the label to confirm her point.  WHAT????!!!! 

Today during breakfast I turned on Coneheads the Movie as it was nearing the end.  Immediately she told me "No, this is the beginning.  I remember cause this is where we left off before."  WHAT???  It's 745am and the next movie starts at 8am!!!  How can it be the beginning???  I quietly left the room and banged my head against the kitchen counter.  Who is this girl??  Why must she insist on challenging any and all my authority and knowledge?

Then I think back to me as a child.  I remember vividly my father telling me, over and over, "I have wisdom...  listen to me."  I never did.  It all comes back to me.  Act the part as buster of balls, expect it to come back to you tenfold.

And I am fairly certain the Mrs will be getting hers during the teenage years (which in 2011 start around year 9 anyway.)  Do I remove all the sharp objects from the house?  Should I install state of the art electronic surveillance? 

For years we have joked that we think many around us get divorced more to get a break from their children than their spouse.  You are kidding yourself if you don't look at your divorced friends with some envy time to time.  3 nights a week you can vedge on your couch, not worry about Social Studies tests or maybe get out for an adult evening (without the babysitting fees.)  I can hear some of you laughing now.

Tough work this parenting gig.  And you best be able to turn the other cheek and laugh off all the nonsense.  Let the kid think they know it all, because in time they will come to the realization that they know very little.  And that is crazy depressing. 

What makes matters worse is the Monday commute and NYC day.  Had the pleasure of taking the 7 train today.  And I thought it before, and I will always think it...  John Rocker got a raw deal.  People in masses crammed into a tight spot, all as angry or maybe angrier than me, is a bit unsettling.  And let's not make this about race or ethnicity either.  Mankind is the worst.  And I am a magnet for subway performers.  On my way to 168th St I got the perfectly clean, put together middle aged white woman pleading for money.  Listen, during these humid days my hair is looking very much like Piper Laurie's from "Carrie."  I was never much of a fashion plate either.  In other words, if I look more like a panhandler than you please do not beg me for money.

Same goes for the dance/rap troupe that jump all over me on the way back downtown.  Please stop.  I did not have time to eat today and these folks feel compelled to put a hat in my face.  Gross.  Let me listen to my ipod in my personal misery please. 

And while I am at it no more Lady Gaga, Amanda Knox and Casey Anthony.  One is a killer, another a killer and the other something altogether different.  I will let you define them.  But enough of the coverage.  Italy has its laws and will handle the Knox case in whichever way the deem fair.  If it's not fair so be it.  You want to stay out of trouble?  Don't go oversees and have a roomate get murdered in your apartment.

I would love to see Florida secede so spare me any and all coverage of Ms. Anthony, whales eating trainers, and the world's worst sports fans.  I think Larry Clark's "Bully" was actually too optimistic.  This state can go away and fast.   What?  No Disney and Orlando?  We will live.

And Lady Gaga??  I like her, but c'mon already.  Seems like her "Monsters" are more like cattle.  We get it Gaga, you are bringing everybody to the party and believe in global equality.  Nice.  Now that your record drops tomorrow can I not hear that message every waking second of my day.

Wow I need to be medicated.  For now I am off to read Ramona Beezus or something...  got to make sure the little one is reading what she tells me she is reading.  Wouldn't be an issue except she told me she went to college with Beverly Cleary.

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