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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Hollywood Hates You and other Smurfing Nonsense...

There was a time, and not that long ago, when children's movies were enjoyable.  And I don't mean the Animated Disney classics, like Pinnochio or more recently Alladin or The Little Mermaid.  I am thinking more Gremlins, or Raiders of the Lost Ark.  Movies for kids a little bit too mature for that Disney hocus pocus but too young for Cujo or Carrie.

Turns out I have a tweener in the house these days.  She can withstand the rigors of Poltergeist and laugh along with Caddyshack, or gasp, Step Brothers.  But she also has a penchant for awful, unwatchable horsesh#%4 no adult should be subjected to.

It was Judy Moody a few weeks back.  It's Big Time Rush or Victorious on some lazy weeknights.  And for 2 glorious hours yesterday afternoon it was The Smurfs.  Sweet baby Moses this piece of crap might be the worst thing I have ever seen.

I cannot in all god consciousness give it an ample review.  Let me see if this works.  Cartoon figures go about their day prepping for the blue moon festival.  Clumsy Smurf naturally sets off an epic chain of events that sends the lovable creatures through a portal to Central Park.  Gargemel and his CGI cat follow them there in hopes of extracting essence from Papa Smurf.  Doogie Howser is somehow married and expecting a child (pre gay marriage bill so it's a woman.)  Doogie and woman take them in and darn it, learn a little something about life and love.

Oh, and Doogie gets the big promotion, is less pensive about the prospects of parenthood, and the Smurfs end up back in their Nether World blue with giddiness.

Somewhere along the line Hank Azaria, Tom Colicchio, Liz Smith, Joan Rivers and Sofia Vergara surrender any bit of credibility they were hanging onto.

Add in the bus full of campers that crowded the air condition challenged theatre and you can see why I give this event a mighty SUCK IT!!!

Not a complete loss as my daughter and friends seemed to have a good time.  Either kids are too nice to say it sucked or just glad they got 2 hours of junk food and big noises.  Not once did my girl tell me she hated a movie.  When does that filter start???  She had no problem telling me my shirt was too small 10 minutes ago.

A few things please.  1) Can we be done with the live action meets animation?  What exactly is the point here?  I can't get to 2nd base with Jessica Rabbit and Smurfs are not having heart to hearts with little blue creatures.  I can suspend disbelief like the best of them.  I was the guy who thought Mr Brady might actually enjoy putting the bookmark in.  Let's keep Smurfette in his forest and Doogie in scrubs.  Never should the two meet.

2)  Enough with the animated characters singing along to popular songs and/or engaging in sing/dance numbers.  The Smurfs incorporated Guitar Hero into the mix which set off D-Bag alarms I had not heard in years.

3) Give NYC a break with kids movies.  I see The Muppets is making it to theatres later this year and NYC is back in the mix.  Joy.  I hate Times Square (and most of midtown for that matter) already.  Do I have to be reminded of more trivial, Hollywood wackiness when I see Grand Central or TKTS.  Let the next adventure happen in France.  Show me the capri wearing, beret donning men getting chased or chasing after some animated rascal.  Or maybe LA???  Des Moines???  NYC has its own problems.  Do we need Muppets, Smurfs or Jim Carrey too????

Thankfully I have some drama to fall back on.  Shark Week baby!!  Friend posted a good one earlier: "They never sleep, they're violent and they have crazy, jagged, fucked up teeth. Sharks are clearly on meth."    I am worried I may have a little one afraid to go back in the water.  But hell she saw me get bit by a sting ray a few years back and went in the water later that day.  Sometimes good to haev a kid with no empathy.

A few other notes...  First, really mixed feelings about MTV turning 30 yesterday.  Especially when I saw this:

I mean, really???  What has happened to Nina Blackwood????

I have grown up with it and it has remained a constant barometer of pop culture.  From Prince and Madonna to Gaga and Kings of Leon.  From Remote Control to Jersey Shore.  It introduced us to reality TV and continues to push standards and boundaries.  

Is it still relevant to me?  Not as much.  And that might be why I am sad.  After all, I am more likely to ask Nina Blackwood about her thoughts on the middle classes role in the debt ceiling debate than if she wants to get X and party all night these days.  Wasn't I just driving my 79 Monza looking for a pick up game yesterday?  Or outside at a keg party huddled around a campfire?

No, I was coaching softball or sending out emails apologizing to clients.  

All good for sure, but the little one was right.  The shirt I am wearing is too small (meaning I am too big.)

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