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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

More disarray

Over and over I play the Avett Brothers song "Head Full of Doubt."  Looking for answers, reaching for conclusions.

"There's a darkness upon me thats flooded with light.  In the fine print they tell me whats wrong and whats right."

Do I even have the time to go back to my childhood to get out of the situation I am in???  Might be too late.  Too futile.  Essentially, the Suburbs brought me to an idyllic little neighborhood in Madison, NJ.  Several couple and their young families surround us.

In many ways the neighborhood reminds me a lot of the street I grew up on.  2 story Colonials with driveways separating each home.  Each house slightly different from the next.  Siding or subtle color differences.

And although the houses look different I am certain the problems that exist inside are universal.

Married couples trying to keep everything together.

Doing it for the kids?  So they are not ostracized at parties, PTA meetings, youth sporting events.  Keeping up appearances at best.

But deep inside the walls of these hundred year old structures exists a world of children, trying to raise children, trying to become adults.

Never fully grasping what it means to mature.  How, with every action you make, you affect the lives of others.  How, with one word, or action, the deepest of hurt can be inflicted upon someone you love.

Do I start with my life of lies?  Can I face it just yet?

Probably not.  But, in one hour I head to therapy.  There, I imagine, I must focus on how I carried on an affair with a neighbor thus destroying my marriage.  How, although she was a friend of my wife, I became close to her.  How, we were aware of the hurt it would cause, yet proceeded with reckless abandon.

Nonsense.  Craziness.  Ill advised.  Now, I stare at the prospect of what I have done to my family.  To my wife who I love fervently and grown up (barely) with.  To my daughter, who may be too weak to handle this type of adversity.  My parents.  My sister.  My friends.

For we were always the rock.  Couples fall apart all around T and I.  We rise above.

Or do we??

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