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Sunday, January 30, 2011

And some more drama...

Strikes me as your world is falling apart, and by that I mean my marriage and daughters behavior, you should probably skip "Blue Valentine."  Granted, Michelle Philips and Ryan Gosling are terrific.  But, the tense marital relationship is not an area I need to explore right now.  Now, the Mrs thought it did not have any parallels to our ongoing struggles.  However, the underachieving husband rings a little true.  Her insistence and belief that I am a real man and success is both welcomed and frowned upon.  For the time being we can agree to disagree.

"I used to be, carried in the arms of cheerleaders."

More disturbing than the movie's dark tones, was my physical reaction around Act 2.  Ms. Williams' character was about to follow through with an abortion.  The procedure and its scenes were all too realistic to me.   A very non-descript office/clinic with a robotic Dr. and nurse telling her, step by step, what was happening to her.

Every since my Freshman year at Pburg Catholic I have trouble with such imagery.  I forget exactly what the video was the nuns showed us, but I do remember it being the first time I fainted.  I am sure it was a preventative video detailing the perils of sex.  It was shown in our library on the biggest screen the school had.  Figure 20" or so.  Something happened midway through and I distinctly recall the warmth all over my body.  Then the ears ring...  then nothing...

Happened in Biology class on College too.  Professor had a very detailed account of blood, accident, hiv...

Who knows the rest?  I was busy passed out on the floor to hear the conclusion.

Much like last night.  As the scene moved along, seemingly forever, I warned T, I am going down.  At that moment when the first warmth hits, you cannot do anything about it.  I closed my eyes.  I chattered my teeth to avoid hearing the instructions.  "Ok, you are going to feel a little pinch."

And I am gone...

Minutes later, coming to, I see people around me asking if I am ok.  Who are they??  What the fuck just happened???  Oh, the movie.  It is still playing.  I remember and look at T as she is panicked.  "I had to get a manager."

She had never seen this before.  She may never want to again.  I laughed, hard.  "I am ok.  I am fine."

Nursed my giant water and moved on.  After a while I looked over and asked:  "did you have to do the is there a dr in the house thing???"

Mortified.  Yet, so amused.  What the hell am I?  And why, after I managed to get to the car and get mostly home, did I have to vomit like I was drunk.

The stress and guilt can do many things to you.  Tears turn to laughs.  Laughs turn to more guilt.  Sleep is not to be had.  Food, but an afterthought.

Gotta be better.  Gotta move forward.  One day at a time.

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